All I want for Christmas…

…is a Gift Certificate to Target.

Like, a $10,000 Gift Certificate.

And a full 8 hour day to shop by myself and spend every single penny.

If you’re wondering why Target, I’ll tell you…

BECAUSE THEY HAVE EVERYTHING. Clothes, shoes, accessories, make-up, toys, games, electronics, decorations, bedding, furniture, KITCHEN STUFF, even food. And that’s why I would need 8 hours of alone shopping time to spend $10,000.

How many times have you been in that store with the intentions of just buying ONE thing? And how many things did you end up buying?!

“I don’t even need a shopping cart for the one thing I’m getting.” Ten minutes later, you’re running back up to the front of the store to get one and fill it up because your arms can’t carry the 35 things you HAVE to buy right this second.

My mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and this was what I told her. Well, not the $10,000 part. She said, “I don’t like giving gift certificates as presents, you gotta have something to open.”

Isn’t gift giving about the person RECEIVING gifts? For some reason that’s what I thought.

I snorted and told her she was silly, then told my husband. He said, “I feel the same way, and hate giving gift certificates.” WHY?!?! Oh my gosh, the opportunity to spend a bunch of money that’s not mine AND shop by myself? WHAT BETTER GIFT IS THERE THAN THAT?! World Peace??

As a kid, my favorite presents to get were cards. Why? Because if it was coming from a relative, there was a 99.9% chance there was money inside that card. That meant I got to decide what to do with that money. Go shopping? Go to the movies? Spend it on ice cream? Who cares, money was at my disposal. That’s why I end up giving my nieces and nephews money as gifts once they reach a certain age. Kids get picky as they grow up, and I don’t want to have to worry about sticking a gift receipt in the box with the gift “just in case” they don’t like it. It’s a pain having to return something (especially if the person giving you the gift gets their feelings hurt if they find out you returned it) than to just take that precious greenery and spend it however you like. I also don’t want to be in a position where I come over and find myself looking for that gift I gave them, wondering if they’re using it. “Where’s that brass statue of a clown I gave you last Christmas?”  “Oh, uh, we’re having it preserved in a glass case to show it off. It’s at the shop right now. May take a few months.”

Don’t get me wrong, I love getting surprises of something that I like, but my parents or husband are the best ones at doing that. And Santa, of course. He knows everything. Sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake. Does anyone else find this creepy?

I’m one of those weirdos, though. I pick up on little clues that someone says they like during the year, then add it to my Amazon shopping cart to save for later. Six months after that, the person gets the item they had TOTALLY forgotten about and are genuinely surprised. Boom. Family members usually call me for gift suggestions for other family members because I’m the stalker who remembers stuff. So in other words, I’m Santa…

Merry Christmas.


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